Cast of characters:
Mr. X: an Ashamed GAY MAN ‘of a certain age and from a different era’ who is in a tizzy of concern of what people may think in our current early 21st Century Society
Peter: Mr. X’s male partner/lover/spouse
Nick: A concerned GAY MAN ‘of a certain age and from a different era’ who is worried that if someone google’s his name a bit of his past would be revealed.
Michael: Me, the BLOG writer, who is transcribing his diary from a generation ago
Distinguished Author: The one sought for ‘advice and counsel’
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Hi Michael,
I hope you are well.
Hey, I need to talk to you about something. Mr. X is still a friend, in fact, he does some freelance work for me. His partner Peter and he are the proud parents of two great kids. He contacted me the other day because a friend had Googled him and your blog posts with his full name and image came up.
Mr. X is pretty upset. To be completely honest, when you notified me on Facebook about the ones concerning me I wasn't thrilled but naively thought it was limited to the people who read your blog, who don't really know me. It never occurred to me that it would show up in a Google search. Mr. X is concerned about his kids and family as well as some of his personal and professional connections.
So, is it really necessary to use names? I'm not all that concerned about an old fully dressed photo, but I'd rather essays about my personal connections from decades ago not be readily available to anyone Googling my name.
Mr. X would like you to contact him. His e-mail address is MrX@.net. Mr. X wants his name and image removed and said he is prepared to take legal action. I would just as soon have my name be changed or initials used as well since, again, it just didn't occur to me that this would surface in a Google search.
Thanks,
Nick
Hi Nick,
What are you talking about? This seems so silly.
The ‘ONE’ picture of Mr. X in my blog was taken with his permission and is a simple portrait (as well as the photos of you were taken with your permission).
The mention of you (or Mr. X) in my blog is strictly based on my own words in my diary from years ago with my own reflections of those times.
I am sorry the two of you don't want any information about yourselves on the internet but there's nothing negative that I've written (or that can be misconstrued as an invasion of privacy).
I don't really want to contact Mr. X. If---after 25 plus years he has never chosen to contact me--why would I want to talk to him now? He can, of course, still email me via my blog.
Sincerely,
Michael
Our understanding of the law is that taking a picture of someone with their permission does not translate to permission to publish it. I guess we all have our own definition of respecting others. Mr. X doesn't want to talk for personal reasons, he wants to have a legitimate discussion about a situation he didn't invite.
Nick
I will be in contact with my attorney and I will get back to you.
Michael
Well, it's kind of sad that it would come to that. I've inadvertently posted pics or posts that friends were uncomfortable with because of their involvement and went out of my way to remove them as soon as I could because the friendships mean way more to me than the post. I don't even question why they might have an issue with it because it's none of my business. This is, after all, supposed to be about fun and positive sharing. I don't get why it matters in the least if you use pseudonyms. The people reading your posts don't know us from Adam. But our friends who now may stumble across the published diary of someone we met 25 years ago do not know you from Adam. They know us. Because I am the face of the company I work for in the community, I work hard to separate my public and private lives. I'm thoughtful about which posts I share with whom. I realize we were more acquaintances than friends, but basic human decency would never lead me to insist upon keeping a post online that hurt someone else for the sake of my own vanity. At my place of work we always have individuals sign consent forms before posting photos.
Nick
How are you doing? I have a favor to ask you....
As you know, I write a daily blog: www.007gentleman.blogspot.com where I have transcribed my old diaries. I was recently contacted by someone whose picture I posted and who I wrote about. The picture was a simple profile pic taken with his permission '25 plus' years ago. There was nothing negative written about him but he's concerned that family members and/or business associates will google him and see this photo and my blog (which has a definitive gay man’s slant in the 1980s).
He has threatened legal action if I don't remove the picture and change his name. Since you're the most proficient writer I know...what would you recommend?
I guess my blog is getting so popular maybe I need to publish a book. lol
Hugs,
Michael
Dear Michael:
Sheesh. What a royal pain. I presume this is a gentleman 'of a certain age and different era'. He can’t really sue you, but in the name of keeping the peace I would recommend taking the photo down and changing his name. But you're right: that's a flattering sign that your blog is getting popular.
P.S. I just went through your blog, trying to guess who the injured party would be. But it's all so playful, and fun, and elegant and attractive, how could anybody not be flattered to be included? You're right, it could make an entertaining book.
Warmly,
The Distinguished Author
Yeah Distinguished Author,
Alas, I learned from a former roommate of his that he is with a man named Peter and they have adopted kids and is concerned that his kids may see it and/or any colleagues or biz associates (I GUESS). Ridiculous bcuz there's nothing devastating about him in anything I wrote.
I like to write full names of my real life people because there are some that I've lost touch with and I have 'in fact' been found by a few old friends/coworkers via the blog. In addition, I have a success story where one gal who was trying to find her mother (a longtime high school girlfriend of mine) actually found her and was reunited with her mom after she emailed me. Luckily, because her mom died 3 or 4 years later from pancreatic cancer and she would never have had the bond with her real mother otherwise.
I think you're right though...just to keep the peace I'll remove the picture of Mr. X. Who needs to deal with it? I would think he'd be flattered to be included but you know how some people are...scaredy cats.
Thanks for your advice.
Michael
Nick,
Can you send me your tel#? I'd like to call you NOW. Thx. I just tried this telephone number but I guess that's not good for you anymore (?).
Michael
Here is my tel# but I have to go pick up my roommates from work and don't have a hands-free device. Would be happy to talk tomorrow. I hope we can figure this out because you're a great guy and I guess we have very different viewpoints on this.
Thanks,
Nick
No, I think our viewpoints are similar. It's not like I don't understand. I completely understand. I just want to discuss it with you verbally...easier than writing for hours and I have a few stories to share. Can I call you when you get back? It shouldn't take long.
Michael
A few days later...
SATURDAY Morning, May 5, 2012
Hi Nick,
I found out that I cannot really be sued for what I've written in my blog. An attorney & a well-known published author friend advised me; however, I did remove that one pic of Mr. X and changed his name to a very appropriate new name. Mr. X was not----and never will be---a big part of my life, so I just decided to do this to 'keep the peace'. Have a happy day. After all, that is what our lives are meant to be: HAPPY
Hugs,
Michael
Thanks, Michael. Mr. X and Peter are very protective of their kids because people sometimes freak out about them being gay parents.
Nick
I don’t know what went wrong between us, but you and I discussed friendship once. I said that friendship is built on two things—respect and trust. Even if you don’t like me, you can still depend on me and trust me. I’ve never shared your secrets with anyone.
-Stieg Larsson
THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE
Twenty-five years ago today:
May 15, 1987
Friday
Work was rather stressful today. I think it was because Steve Flander called. I met him for lunch across the street at MAX’s. Word leaked to Nikki, my second line manager, and she shared the fact that I met with him. He’s delinquent on his advertising, yet the sales people view it different. Suddenly, Nikki, Jim Prichard and Bob Bilejeu of KEY ACCOUNT SALES gathered around my desk. They made me feel as if I’d done something wrong to meet with Steve Flander today.
Steve treated me to lunch and we had a good talk. We may even meet up next Wednesday at SPENGER’S FISH GROTTO in Berkeley. However, now I am having second thoughts about meeting up with him at all. He’s a jolly, overweight character. He could be a bad ‘eat some more’ influence.
I telephoned Eileen. We finally had a discussion. I went over the letter she’d written me. As far as I can see our relationship is NOT working out.
“Why don’t you come over and stay with me next weekend…or even the weekend of my Birthday?” I asked.
“I’m supposed to spend the Memorial Day Weekend of your birthday with Katrina in Lake Berryessa.”
I thought quietly, without saying the words, “Why in the hell am I wasting my time?"
Eileen shouted, “Do you notice how I’m not jealous when you tell me things?”
This leads me to believe that she IS jealous or she wouldn’t have asked that question.
And so…on this Friday evening I felt a need for a walk along Alameda’s South Shore beach. I invited my Dad to go for a walk with me but he had to go to work at 11PM tonight, so he passed on my offer.
I dropped by around the corner to see John, Sherri and Ashley in hopes that they might want to take Ashley off of their hands. John was getting ready for work.
John said, “Oh, Sherri and Ashley went to some SESAME STREET Show with Tony, Helen and Lauren.”
And so, I talked to my brother, John, for a while.
I forfeited the walk along the beach idea. Instead, I went to WHEREHOUSE RECORDS and rented two dumb movies that I didn’t really want to watch: ON THE WALL and ON THE NICKEL.
Finally, I decided it was a Friday night and I felt like dancing and meeting someone fun. I drove to Palo Alto, near Stanford University, to that fun club called THE VORTEX. It was a mistake. THE VORTEX was just ‘dead’ on this night. I stayed for a short while and actually ‘danced with myself’ when they played BILLY IDOL, singing DANCING WITH MYSELF. I left the club at 11:45PM. I sat there in rest mode in the driver’s seat until I finally started the car and just drove back home. Suzy Miller was coming to visit tomorrow. I went to bed. Yawn.
The sense of loss and aloneness was at last becoming a dull ache instead of a burning pain. It might be that he could begin to go out and act like a human being again.
-Nial Kent
THE DIVIDED PATH
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