We Understand Each Other

"The conductor must NOT only make his orchestra play, he must make them WANT to play.  He must exalt them, lift them, and start their adrenaline pouring, either through cajoling or demanding or raging.  But however he does it, he must make the orchestra LOVE the music as he loves it.  It is not so much imposing his will on them like a dictator; it is more like projecting his feelings around him so that they reach the last man in the second violin section.  AND when this happens...there is human identity of feeling that has no equal elsewhere.  It is the closest thing I know to LOVE itself." 
-Leonard Bernstein

Diary Notes from early March 1988….

I received a letter this week from Paloma.  She is in the South of France now in an area known as AGDE.   The street address was posted as Rue Jean Roger.    She included a photo of her son, Jonathan, which she photographed in September 1987.   He’s so cute.  

PHOTO:  Paloma wrote about JONATHAN: "...just look at those biceps."

Here is an excerpt of Paloma's recent letter dated March 9, 1988:

…I’m sure it’s even more difficult.   You never know.   In fact, I’m just referring to the gay couples I’ve been around.

That’s funny, I just noticed you put the “H” before the “A” when you write “HA HA HA”.   We reverse the letters in French (AH AH AH)…well, never mind.    My pen wasn’t working and I had to change to this brown color.   Sorry about that!

Are you sending me those beautiful perfect letters to make me feel bad?   I miss you.    I’m really glad we’re such good friends though.   I really feel comfortable when I write you.   We can just talk about everything together.   Can’t we?   That’s the way I feel.   I’m sure you can tell by my letters that I feel I can almost tell you anything.   You won’t get mad at me.   I think we understand each other pretty well.   What do you think about that?

I’ll write again soon.   I have to go to bed.   I’m very nostalgic tonight.  I wish we could laugh together again.  I miss that.
Love You, Paloma

In the beginning of her letter she wrote about how she met Alexandre when they worked as performers while working together at CLUB MED.   She included a photo of them together.   I couldn’t help but feel very jealous of that photo.   They both looked so fit, flexible and sexy.

PHOTO:  PALOMA and ALEXANDRE

I only wished I could do acrobatic moves like that.    Who knows?   Perhaps with practice I could do it.   Of course, if I did that with Paloma I just know we’d be laughing so hard while trying to be all the more perfect.   I think we would have so much fun trying something like that.   I always feel nostalgic while reading her letters.   She’s so far away and yet she is so ‘close to me’ at the same time.   It’s a very difficult predicament to explain as I continue to live, work and play here in the Bay Area.

PHOTO: Mike Miller and me: Michael J Armijo

I took a photo of my roommate, Mike Miller, and I on a typical Tuesday morning before 7AM yesterday (March 8, 1988).   We were having breakfast and I was so intrigued by my delicious STELLA DORO cookies.   Mike didn’t have much of a sweet tooth but he was good about eating his morning cereal. 

Today, March 9, 1988 was a special day for me because I knew Kelly Mullin was coming to Alameda to visit me.   She had the day off and I would be getting out of work early.    I was excited about her visit.   I couldn’t help myself.   She was lying on the floor after we were watching something silly on TV.  

PHOTO:   KELLY MULLIN, in BLUE

"Blue is your color,” I said.

"It is…you think so?”

“Definitely.”

Her presence made me feel relaxed.    It didn’t hurt that I was home and in my comfortable sweat pants.  

I also set the timer on my POLAROID to take a photo of us on the couch.   I call it our ‘SO IN LOVE’ photo after that song by O.M.D. (Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark).    O.M.D. is a British New Wave band and they released this song called “SO IN LOVE” back in May 1985.    We both knew the song and we both love it.   When I see the photo I think of that song.    I see my CALIFORNIA sweatshirt with my name (MICHAEL) imprinted on it and how I came to have that shirt.   My gym partner and lover of yesteryear, Chad Mark Glen, went to PIER 39 in San Francisco.   We both had the sweatshirts made.   I wonder if he wears his shirt.   It’s identical except his has his name (CHAD) imprinted on it.   While I see Kelly and me in the photo the sweatshirt does take me back to that brief time that I had with Chad. 

PHOTO:   The ‘SO IN LOVE’ Photo of Kelly and ‘me’

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I am leery about the idea of my relationship with Kelly.   I feel like I am walking on eggshells for fear of a break-up.   I don’t know why.   When Paloma wrote to me about how ‘we understand each other’ I find that to be so very true.   Paloma knows me like no other.   I don’t know if Kelly really understands me.   I fear that if she knew things about me and my past she would not feel “SO IN LOVE” anymore.   I am afraid of her leaving me now that it all feels so good.    I will have to wait and see how things go.   She seems to love the same music.   I’ll make her want to play.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn, and every cloud has a silver lining.”  -Kurt Vonnegut Jr., PLAYER PIANO