The Beginnings - Part 84: ALWAYS HAVE A STRATEGY

He began to believe that a great many things that he saw had a hidden significance, apparent only to him.
-Sylvia Nasar
A BEAUTIFUL MIND

Twenty-five years ago today, September 25, 1987

I wrote the following letter to Paloma last night and mailed it today, September 25, 1987:

September 24, 1987
Thursday Night

Dear Paloma:

I just noticed my last letter to you was dated August 24, 1987. It was only five days later, August 29, 1987 that a tragic event happened in my life. My father died of heart failure. It all happened so fast. It’s still hard to write when I think about him. I miss him. And to know I won’t be able to talk to him when I want to anymore is very hard.

It was Saturday morning when it happened. I called my mom and told her I’d be over shortly. Then she said she heard a noise because she had just awoken herself. She called me back and told me to rush over because she thinks dad had a heart attack. I rushed over and my dad was lying on the couch, looking very pale, in a cold-sweat, and bruised and cut at the forehead as if he’d faller or even been hit by someone. He didn’t look well at all. But of course he claimed he was okay and said he just had indigestion. My brother Tony arrived and we called 911 and the paramedics arrived from the Alameda Fire Department. The firemen asked my dad what day it was. He told them Saturday morning and said that he’d had a few too many beers the night before. When they asked him if he was in pain anywhere he said yes and pointed to the middle of his chest and the fireman said that was too high to be indigestion and that they were going to have to take him to the hospital. And so, I followed the ambulance (my mom road with him).

My mom and I were in the waiting room.
The nurse came out and said, “He will probably be admitted to the hospital and have to stay the next night or two in our critical care unit. He is very ill.”
My Dad’s blood pressure was very low and the nurse said the doctor would be out to talk to us shortly. I figured he was in the hospital so all would be okay. However, I had a feeling it was getting more serious. The nurse came out again and took my mom and me into the emergency unit, into a small room, to wait for the doctor. When the doctor arrived he said, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could.” And, of course, after that statement I believe a major portion of the hospital heard my mom scream. Then I started to cry…then, Tony, my brother, arrived and then John, Sherri and Ashley arrived and were told. It all just happened so fast. The funeral was September 3, 1987. Alas, it is over now, but I miss him very much. I know you met him once. He liked you.

I’ve been trying to get back into the routine of things. I went back to work after a one week absence. I’ve slowly embarked on bike outings and visits to the gym but those are far and few between. My mom went back to work at the post-office this week. She’s doing much better.

I’ve registered for an acting class at the American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco. It begins on October 6, 1987 (Tuesday nights from 6PM to 9PM). I’m going to get a flavor for acting and see if I have potential before I even really go all out into pursuing it. I still do want to return to school for Psychology though.

Here are a couple of photos of me that I had duplicated for you. The one with me in my bike shorts was taken in March 1987 when I was tan and had definite fat rolls showing. The other was just taken on September 17, 1987. I’m wearing my Dad’s lamb’s wool jean jacket and a Donald Duck T-shirt that my mom bought me at Disneyland.

I miss you.  How are Jonathan and Alexandre? Send them ‘hello’s’.

I’ll be in touch again sooner or later. I just wanted to let you in on the latest goings on. I only wish it didn’t have to be sad news, but I’m feeling better about the whole thing. It really takes time.

Have a happy day and work on that tummy. I know I’m going to.
Always,
Michael Joe Armijo

PS-My roommate is moving out October 1, 1987 because I told her I was going to raise her rent from $300 to $500 per month. That scared her away. She’s an irresponsible 20 year old that I’ll be glad to get rid of.

PS#2- Stephanie Alexander, the gal I met in Hawaii, is supposed to come and visit me on October 16, 1987. That ought to be fun. She’s nice. I like her but as far as how serious it will all get is yet to be announced. I haven’t seen her since July. I need to see her again to refresh my memory.

The Beginnings – Part 84:  ALWAYS HAVE A STRATEGY

September 6, 1983

It is mom’s 48th Birthday today. I phoned her during each of my work breaks.  It would have been nice to spend the day with her.

This morning I happened to run into Mary Halverson, a high-school classmate, while waiting for the BART train at the Fruitvale BART station. She’s a real sweetheart. She gave me her business card and wants me to call her. I thought that was very nice of her. She is an attractive redhead (although not of the Ann-Margret quality).

I am also pissed-off at myself for picking up the phone during my break today to call George. I didn’t want to call him at all but I couldn’t help myself. I am so upset at how he suddenly changed his mind about moving-in with me. Someone must have influenced his decision. I really don’t understand it. When we went to that San Jose Flea Market last Sunday he was buying things for his new room. It was only a few hours later that he had changed his mind due to some problem about acquiring stock proceeds/dividends. Needless to say, I had no luck reaching him. He was sleeping when I called during my first break. He was getting ready to go lay out by ‘the pool’ with some neighborhood gal when I called at lunchtime. When I called on my third break he was having lunch with Kevin.
George was abrupt: “I’m having lunch with Kevin. I have to go.”

I will not be calling him anymore. I don’t even thing I want to see those Mel Gibson movies with him on Saturday. He hasn’t called me in so long. It seems as though I’m on a ONE-WAY street.

I telephoned Tammy and she’s going to the gay skating rink tonight. Hmm…interesting.
Tammy said, “I’ll be going with Shawn.”

Work was very busy. I was able to leave the office at five o’clock though. BART is so convenient that I find myself getting home earlier (5:25PM or 5:30PM). It’s better than the driving and dealing with the commuter traffic.

I also called Michael Miller today.
“Why don’t you come over tonight?” I asked.
“Okay…if not tonight maybe tomorrow. I want to see your new pad.”

I am dwelling on my last conversation with George.
George shouted, “You call me a liar all the time!”
In a way, there are times when I know he does lie. Some people lie so well but I can read through him. Why does that creep keep coming up in my mind?

Susan Low is still somewhat in the corners of my mind. I’m indecisive about her. I am thinking of Tammy too; however, she’s such a Barbie Doll. Ha-ha.

After the BBQ chicken at mom’s house I came home and didn’t wash my car like I had intended. Instead I rode my bike for four rounds along Shoreline Avenue. It was an extensive and invigorating ride. It made me feel good as I was listening to some great, new KQAK tunes like ‘FASCINATION’ by The Human League.

While sipping orange juice at home I got the urge to phone Tammy (aka Tamra K Duhr, b. 1966). I felt like seeing her tonight but I dreaded the idea of visiting the gay skating rink. She somehow persuaded me into going. She always seems to cheer me up with her wild way with words.
I said, “Okay, I’ll go. Why not?”It will make my week move along faster. I figured I could stop over at MACY’s at the Bay Fair Shopping Mall beforehand, too. I wanted to browse. Money is tight and there is no point in spending.

Oh heck! There was a change of plans. Nici had the decency to give me a call and I decided to invite her over to my place because we had such good conversation about her one-night stand, our having a baby together and the fact that Tammy is draining every last drop from me. Nici had a new story about her recent lesbian propositions.
Nici saw photographs of Tony and John and said, “Your brothers are so cute.”
Nici had hinted of jogging over to my place but she didn’t.
I said, “How lazy…you should have jogged over.”
“I know, I know.”
I had jilted Nici that last night at THE TIMBERS when I went ‘hot-tubbing’ with Tammy, so I decided I’d jilt Tammy for Nici tonight.

Nici was sweet enough to bring some Chinese wonton appetizers for me. We played chess. She won this time. I was ahead through most of the game until the very end. I had made a couple of wrong moves, forgetting the object of the game. The key focus should be to CHECKMATE the opponent’s KING. In a way, that focus to be on-guard is true in real-life. Everyone wants to overpower their mate in some respect. Yes, remember to always CHECKMATE one’s KING.  Always have a strategy.  I tend to lose focus only to find myself striking out all of the bishops, knights and pons in order to find myself alone with the KING. I think it’s because I want the game to last longer. Or is it that I want to be alone with the KING? It’s funny how games work.

He had no need to dominate, took no pleasure in commanding; he desired the contemplative far more than the active life, and would have been content to spend many years more, if not his whole life, as an obscure student, an inquiring and reverent pilgrim through the sanctuaries of the past, the cathedrals of music, the gardens and forests of mythology, languages and ideas.
-Hermann Hesse
THE GLASS BEAD GAME

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The Beginnings - Part 83: THAT 'DAREDEVIL'

In short, there are sunny days, and there is memory, and…hardest of all…there is choice.
-In a letter from Ned Spofford to Newton Arvin
THE SCARLET PROFESSOR by Barry Werth

The Beginnings – Part 83:   THAT ‘DAREDEVIL’

September 5, 1983

Well, George wasn’t home this morning. I have a gut-wrenching feeling that he was having an explicit, discreet affair last night with this Rob character. I am pissed-off (to say the least).

Today is Nici Maurino’s birthday. She just called me and I don’t like the idea of someone being alone on their birthday, so I’m going to ride my bike over to her place on the west side of Alameda. I will hand deliver her Birthday Card.
Nici made me a mushroom cheese omelet. She disclosed some secretive information.
“Michael, I feel so guilty.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, because I picked-up on some guy and made it with him. And now…I’m not sure if I’ll ever see him again.”
I thought, “How slutticious.”
That’s my own invented word, of course.
I replied sincerely, “I can understand how you might feel that way…but it’s over and there’s not much you can do about it now.”
“I know…you’re right.”
As we continued talking I announced, “I wish I had a baby girl.”
She laughed and we kidded around about our having a baby together. Were we joking? I wondered if she was really serious or not. There was one moment when I got the feeling that she wanted to screw around but I left before anything got started.

I rode my bike along South Shore Beach and then I headed home to the Islandia Townhouse on Solomon Lane.

I finally telephoned George and actually reached him.
George was energetic and said, “I tried calling you last night at eight o’clock and at midnight.”
It’s true that I wasn’t home.
I asked, “Where were you?”
“I was at Dick’s with some of his friends in the East Side of San Jose. We were having a little party. That’s all…it was a dead party and no one would drive me home.”
“Oh…well…aren’t you going to move-in here to Alameda?”
He listened as I tried to use some power of persuasion.
Finally, George said, “I just don’t think I’m ready financially or mentally to move out on my own.”
I simply don’t understand him. I did persuade him to come up for a week to look for a job though. He seemed rather hesitant about it.
Suddenly George perked up and said, “You know…it’s probably not a bad idea.”
“Okay, good.”
“Well, I have to get off the phone now because I have to go wash clothes at my step dad’s house but I’ll call you back when I get back.”

He never called me back. Was he with Rob? I still have that little dark, suspicious spot hanging over my head. I really believe he may be screwing around with someone else. He knows what my reaction would be if that is the case. I am still wondering.

I didn’t totally forget about mom. Her Birthday is tomorrow. I delivered her Birthday Card. It made her happy.

I also telephoned Tammy Duhr. We exchanged our usual ‘hello’ and matched mutual flirtatious lines.

Then I finally broke down and called Susan Low. I needed to know why she didn’t show up at LILY’s.
Susan said, “I was there. I was there at about seven o’clock.”
“OH…well that explains it. That’s around the time that I decided to scram.”
I was happy about the misunderstanding. I mailed Susan a card. I also wrote one to my coworkers, Helen Wong and Barbara Reynolds.

I am truly annoyed with George because he failed to call me back as promised. I don’t really want to speak to that ‘daredevil’ now.

I am pondering ideas for an alternate roommate. My brother, John, might be a possibility. Mike Miller is a possible option, too. For now…it may look like a newspaper ad will be my next route. Another door will open.

“Every obstacle to which we do not succumb is a benefactor.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The Beginnings - Part 82: NO HANKY-PANKY

There are those points that will never be resolved because opposite opinions cannot resolve themselves: they can either be overlooked entirely or tolerated.
-THE DIARY OF ELLEN RIMBAUER
My Life at Rose Red

The Beginnings – Part 82:  NO HANKY-PANKY

Sunday, September 4, 1983

At 11AM George wasn’t home when I tried to telephone him. Wonders never cease. I accepted an invitation to accompany mom to SAFEWAY for my own grocery shopping. It was a needed escape to stop dwelling on George.

After enjoying breakfast at mom and dad’s house I returned to my Townhouse to empty boxes and organize things. I sorted out some wall hangings in all of the right places. After feeling like I accomplished something I went for a bike ride.

I was home by 3PM. That’s approximately the time my Dad arrived to plaster the wall a second time (where the ugly wood paneling had been). Now all that needed is another coat of paint and it will look like an entirely new living room.

I tried to phone George one more time but to no avail.

I slept upstairs. It was hot. The day was beautiful. It was too nice of a day to be true. When I woke up I called mom and suggested we rent a couple of movies. We went to the local video store and we mutually selected THE BLACK STALLION and VICE SQUAD.

I joined mom and dad for a dining experience at MEXICALI ROSE. It was a pleasure to share the pitcher of margarita with them. We had our usual great time together. The three of us watched THE BLACK STALLION together. It was a very good movie. I left at the start of the second feature (VICE SQUAD). It was already midnight and I wanted to get home.

I telephoned Nici Maurino when I arrived home but there was no answer. I tried calling George again, of course. He wasn’t home per his mom.
George’s mom said, “In fact, I called your number today, trying to find him myself.”
“Oh…no, he wasn’t here. Well, just let him know I called.”
Now I really don’t know where George was gallivanting (and with whom). Why do I think he is with that Stanford University guy named Rob? If he is with him…then what? I still have doubts about him.
Yesterday, George said to me, “It would kill me if you stopping seeing me.”
That’s ironic. If this was true, then why didn’t he call me today? He wasn’t at Dan and Ken’s apartment either.
When I called their apartment Ken said, “I haven’t seen him all day.”
Is George lying? What is going on? I need more information.

I tried calling Nici Maurino again and I finally reached her. She came over to my place at around 2AM. We looked at pictures and she really liked my mirrored tables.
Nici said, “I really like this place. It looks like a guy’s pad…and a girl would be out of place here.”
I laughed, “Well, you’re here and you don’t seem out of place.”
We played a couple of strategic games of chess. She needed this relaxed visit after that crazed boss tried to make the moves on her. We had a good time and then she left. I went to bed. There was no hanky-panky. Ah shucks! Oh well…until the next time.

Generosity always rewards the giver.
-D. M. Thomas
THE WHITE HOTEL

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The Beginnings - Part 81: FORTY WHACKS

When people gamble, they think only of winning. They never think of losing. Remember this: Someone has to lose and it’s just as apt to be you as the other fellow.
-Betty Smith
A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN

The Beginnings – Part 81:  FORTY WHACKS

Saturday, September 3, 1983

On this pleasant Saturday morning George and I went to the San Jose Flea Market. It was interesting and ‘kind of fun’. George bought a few things. I didn’t buy anything. That’s okay because I am low on funds.

Tonight George and I have made plans for dinner at a place called NEON’s (or something like that). After the dinner I plan to drive back to Alameda. I had hoped to start moving some of George’s ‘stuff’ to the Townhouse but it looks like it will be more of a money-saver if he moves-in on Monday as he plans to borrow his step-father’s truck. I am still waiting for George to access some extra boxes from WHEREHOUSE RECORDS.

George suddenly reacted in a very bad mood. I found out that he was upset because he learned that he couldn’t get a hold of some stock investment proceeds (for some extra cash flow) for another four months.
I said, “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“It’s just that I’m financially unstable in terms of moving-in right now.”
I think he wanted me to front him some cash even though he didn’t outright ask me.
George continued, “It’s really a leery situation with your womanizing.”
That statement really upset me. Suddenly, it all came out that he had made a big decision.
“I’m not going to move-in with you.”
His statement got me quite disgruntled.

It was around the time of this revelation that Kevin called to invite us out for lunch.
I agreed to the outing and then the tension began to build and I finally called Kevin while George was in the shower and said, “I think we’re going to pass on the lunch. We just have a lot going on right now.”
When George came out of the shower I said, “I cancelled the lunch. I’m just going to leave now.”
George said, “I predicted you were going to say that.”
“Yeah, I just need to go.”

I arrived home and assemble my lamp. My folks stopped by for a while. Dad is doing such a good job on the screwed up wall where all of that ugly wood paneling had been.

Later I chose to give George a call by phone.
George confessed, “You know…there are some other financial problems that I really didn’t want to discuss.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Well, there are a couple of returned checks from ALPHA BETA and REGAL Shoes that I’m dealing with.”
“That’s a pain.”
“Yes, didn’t you see the letter on the table?”
I answered, “No.”
I actually had seen a collection notice due from him for sixteen dollars. I didn’t let on that I had seen it.
He said, “I have this collection notice for sixty-eight dollars.”
I thought, “What a liar—as far as the amount.”
I couldn’t help but feel like he was hoping I would say, “Don’t worry…I’ll pay it off for you.”
I didn’t say that. I hung-up the phone after he gave me these additional excuses about not moving-in with me.

After I hung-up the phone I began to really wonder if he actually did go out with his Grandmother and Uncle on Friday night. I had the feeling that he went out with Rob, a twenty-six year old Stanford University fellow. George strategically left a note from Rob on the table as well. Rob wrote something like this:

George,
Good luck as you enter a new direction.  If only we’d met before this because I really like you. You’re a special guy…
Rob.

I did ask George, “So…what are you doing tonight?”
“I’m just going out with Kevin, Dan, Ken and Richie.”
“Richie?”
“He’s my cousin.”
I later learned that Kevin spent the night with George. They’re just friends, so I didn’t give it a second thought.

I ended up sleeping with Lizzie Borden on TV as I watched the TV movie starring Elizabeth Montgomery. As I watched the story I wondered whether or not George deserved forty whacks himself as per the Lizzie Borden nursery rhyme:

LIZZIE BORDEN TOOK AN AXE, AND GAVE HER MOTHER FORTY WHACKS
WHEN HER MOTHER HIT THE FLOOR SHE GAVE HER FATHER FORTY MORE.

I was still foolishly thinking and wishing George would move-in with me.

He ate slowly, suspending each forkful in the air and examining it to be certain of its perfection. He didn’t demand perfection…he simply expected it.
-Joanna Scott, MAKE BELIEVE

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The Beginnings - Part 80: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME NAMES

Men fight for nations and squirrels fight for nuts.
There is little difference between the two. It is only a matter of dimension. The size of a walnut against the size of the world. Ultimately, the prize is one of possession.
-Martin Booth
THE INDUSTRY OF SOULS, a novel

The Beginnings – Part 80:   I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME NAMES

Friday, September 2, 1983

George was fairly unstable last night over my Susan Low situation. I can understand how he feels but he seems to think I’m on the search for a female companion and relationship. This may very well be true.
I tried to explain, “IF it happens…fine…but I’m not ‘on a search’ for it.”
I like George but it bugged me when he said, “I’m leery about moving-in because of your womanizing.”
I guess he’ll have to live with it because I won’t stop seeing Susan Low if she (and as long as she) wants to see me.
I implored George, “She will probably make flimsy excuses about wanting to see me anyway. We’re not an item. Like I said before…she’s a special lady but I don’t know what’s going to happen with us.”
I refrained from saying how I could easily fall HOH (Head Over Heels) over her.

This morning George blurted out, “You’re WORTHLESS!”
It wasn’t because of Susan Low but because I failed to vacuum after he asked me to. He was also pissed-off because I wouldn’t feed his mom’s dog or pick up the dog. I didn’t appreciate his statement.
I shouted, “I don’t LOVE it when you call me names.”
I shouted it that way because I had just heard that song I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME NAMES by Joan Armatrading.
After he called me ‘WORTHLESS’ I know he could tell that I was a little disturbed.
After he said it he calmed down and asked, “Do you want a drink?”
I guess I was being a bit nasty, too.
While George was blow drying his hair I yelled, “Hurry up! Can’t you just let it dry by itself?”
It was all rather uncanny when that song came on after I told him to ‘Hurry up’ (I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME NAMES).

When my folks read parts of my journal entries last week I recalled telling Tammy all about the horrible incident.
I said, “Tammy, the journal really IS fictional…and a future ‘good’ book.”
Tammy replied, “Your parents will probably always carry that doubt and question about the homosexuality trip.”
“It doesn’t matter. I know who I am…what I am…and I am still learning about myself through others.”

I realized that my newest companion (Susan Low) has made me think through a few things more closely. She’s ‘HOT’ in a very different kind of way when I compare her to Tammy. I think Tammy acts a bit too overtly sexual in her walk, talk and look. Susan on the other hand looks gorgeous and at the same time has a wholesome, natural quality about her.

Tammy made a point by saying, “I really want you to call me so we can go out more.”
And now I am thinking to myself, “Sure…but now there’s Susan and she’s 'A-1 steak sauce' right now.”

George wonders where he stands in all of this. I consider him to always be there. I hope he will be. He will inevitably make the final decision to cut our ‘close’ relationship off. It will not be me. It’s just like Frank; however, that was somewhat of a relief after I got to know the semi-feminine prankster, tattler, gossip guy that he can be.

I cannot wait to see Susan Low tonight in San Francisco at LILY’s again. I know I will be back in Sunnyvale tonight so that I can help George move-in with me on Saturday. We will have to check out the San Jose Flea Market together as well. I wonder if we’ll run into anyone we know at the flea market. It was funny last night after we’d seen the film THE OUTSIDERS at Scott’s pad (with his boyfriend, Steve) and some other blond chick (who smokes).
We stopped at the ALPHABETA grocery store and I said to George, “I saw you eyeing that bag boy.”
He laughed and replied, “You’re just like Ken is to Danny.”
I thought, “It’s true though…he did ‘eye’ the young fellow. And I have a heavy ‘eye’ for Susan Low…so time will tell.”

And so, time foretold.  I went to LILY’s via BART from the Fremont BART Station and ‘the itch-bay’, Susan, wasn’t there.  So…la-dee-dah.  I will have to wait and see on that one.  What kind of excuse will she give me?  If any?  Does she even owe me an excuse?  I’d say so.

I was back in Sunnyvale by 9:30PM. George was working at WHEREHOUSE RECORDS until 10:30PM.
George explained, “I have to go out with his grandmother and Uncle Calvin tonight.”
“You do?” I asked.
“Yes, we’re going to see RETURN OF THE JEDI.

I have to admit that George going out with his grandmother and uncle to see RETURN OF THE JEDI on a Friday night seemed pretty ‘fishy’.  I had to guess and believe that it was the truth.  He arrived home at around 2AM; whereby, we slept a good one.

He liked watching his boyfriends sleep; spying on motionlessness is a rather specialized erotic discipline. Sleep’s secret is that the snoozer is by no means paralyzed.
-ANDY WARHOL by Wayne Koestenbaum

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The Beginnings - Part 79; EVERYDAY I WRITE THE BOOK

I read, confident that reading would make me a better person. Reading spoke to me through my pride. Music spoke directly to my emotions.
-Christopher Bram
SURPRISING MYSELF, a novel

Twenty-five years ago today: September 20, 1987

Paloma wrote me a letter dated the 20th of September 1987:

Dear Michael,

Or should I call you doctor? It seems that you are just full of projects. That’s great. I think it’s just the way to get somewhere. If you don’t try anything you won’t get anywhere. That’s for sure. And that’s just why I’m going to become a top designer for children’s clothes. I’m planning to start this winter since I can’t do much with my baby. I’m going to do it all by myself. I mean, create, make and sell. I’ve already created lots of things. Now I need to go get some material, leather and stuff. I hope it works. I’ll send you pictures but it’s still going to take a while because right now I’m pretty busy. We’re moving to a new apartment. I think I told you the house where we are belongs to my parents-in-law, so we’ll keep coming here very often. You can write at this same address for now. I’ll give you my new one soon. We’re going to a great place but I don’t know for how long we are going to stay there. It’s a little expensive for us. We’ll see how things go.

By the way, my son’s name is JONATHAN, with an ‘A’ at the end. I’m sending you a new picture of him. I’m not taking pictures of myself anymore. He is going to be my favorite model.

I think you are very lucky to have two new babies in your family. I’m just crazy about them now. Alexandre’s sister is expecting one for February. She was pregnant at the same time I was but she lost the baby. It’s too bad…now they’re going to have an eight month difference.

Jonathan is, of course, pretty big. His father is kind of really big and I’m not that short either, and he is going to become Mister Olympia in a few years. Can you imagine that he was already training in a gym when he was two weeks old!

I can’t wait for some new pictures of you. I love to get your letters and pictures.

Don’t worry about Alexandre. He doesn’t read my mail, not the English ones at least. He can only say a few words in English.

It seems you miss our long conversations, too. I remember we used to stay on the phone for hours and laugh so much! I’m sure we’ll be friends for the rest of our lives.

I’m really happy the pig you have as a roommate reminds you of me! You are just so sweet, love you too, Michael!

Of course, I think about the states very often. When I think of you, the Walsh Family, Carmela and a few other friends I miss it very much. I loved frozen yogurt pies and Domino’s pizza. Where I live now is very much like California. It’s kind of like a French Santa Cruz with hundreds of people at summertime. It’s empty at winter. I also have the beach and pretty much the same weather. There’s a BURGER KING but they don’t have good hamburgers in the country.

Of course, Jonathan is potty-trained. He also does the dishes and cleans the house and drives the car…smart kid, isn’t he?

You’ve got plenty of time to get married and have kids. You must think about it twice before you do it. You are right. It’s terrible for a kid to grow up without his mother and father. I can’t imagine living without my baby now. Nobody has ever loved me the way he does. I can see in his eyes. I’m the most important thing in his world for him. When he wakes up and I look at him he smiles. He looks so happy to see me. That’s just something I’ve never felt before. He only wants to be in my arms. He trusts me so much.

Every kind of life has its ups and downs. I also sometimes miss my single life. I’m sure someday you’ll find the person you’re looking for…no rush.

Well, Michael, I’ve got to send this letter now. I want to get one of yours fast—that is why. So I just hope everything is going great for you and I hope to read you soon.
Love,
Paloma

The Beginnings – Part 79:  EVERYDAY I WRITE THE BOOK

Thursday, September 1, 1983

Hurrah! I have the day off tomorrow. I love to start out a new month this way.

David Vigil said, “Next Friday we have to go out for Happy Hour again in The City…or Sausalito.”
“Okay, that’ll be fun.”
I know that I want to keep seeing Susan Low though. She’s very special to me.

There’s a great new song by Elvis Costello that I really love called EVERYDAY I WRITE THE BOOK.  It’s so ‘me’.  I guess one could say that’s exactly what I do. I think this is a book for the 90s (or perhaps the turn-of-the-century). I mean…it’s heavy stuff!

Another card that I mailed to Ann-Margret returned to me with the stamp “UNABLE TO DELIVER”. I will try to send it in care of NBC-TV. I’m determined for her to receive it somehow. I love that lady!

I drove over to see George in Sunnyvale. We were overdue. I spent the night at his house. He took his time coming out of the record store today. I sometimes wonder if he really wants to leave that job.

I was rather happy that I was about to make almost $400 per week beginning November 3rd. I will be making $429.50 to be exact. I suppose that’s actually ‘chicken-feed’ to someone like Ann-Margret. I must find out her actual address.

Helen and I went to the BASS Ticket Office joint to see what concerts were forthcoming. I also accompanied her to get her shoes fixed at a shoe repair store.
It was funny because the lady said, “It will take me three minutes to fix this.”
It ended up taking most of our lunch hour.

“…you have to do whatever makes you happy.”
Have you done what makes you happy?
“I’m not sure.” I said. “I’ve tried. I haven’t always succeeded.”
-Mary Morris
ACTS OF GOD, a novel

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The Beginnings - Part 78: NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN

It is scary to discover that one’s future is one’s past. The anticipation of a world is inevitably the myth of an eternal return.
-Jules Verne
PARIS IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY, the Lost Novel

The Beginnings – Part 78:   NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN

August 29, 1983

It was my first day back to work in Downtown Oakland. The old gangs of fellow workers were there and it was actually nice to see everyone again. It was a very busy work day though.

I spent my lunch hour with Helen Wong.
I made my announcement proudly: “I met someone I really like!”
“You did, who?” Helen asked.
I explained about my meeting Susan Low during a Happy Hour in San Francisco the other night. I neglected to mention about the possibility of her being a possible celebrity. After all…it is likely. I know she sings well.

After work I took my bike out for an extensive, exhilarating ride along the beach. It felt so good. George urged me to drive down to Sunnyvale. While I was tempted I didn’t go because it was a work day tomorrow and I simply wasn’t up for the drive.

I went to mom and dad’s house. I ended up watching a couple of movies with my brother, John. We watched A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE and THE EXORCIST II. After the films I went straight to bed.

George and I haven’t done anything ‘sexual’ since last Wednesday while we were at the Drive-In movie theater (not watching the Stephen King film CUJO). So I think we are both kind of nerve-racked.

I must admit that I did get a rather scrumptious kiss from Susan Low on Sunday night though. It stays with me still.

Tuesday, August 30, 1983

Barbara Reynolds returned to work after her one day Jury Duty assignment. I ended up having a very good day of sales. I drove in to work with my brother, Tony. We got along well for a change. I think it’s because we haven’t spent too much time together lately.

I went to the new Townhouse after work and brought a lot of my furniture. My Dad helped me. He’s such a thoughtful guy. When Dad left I did a good job of emptying boxes. I also set up my Queen-sized bed. It feels good to accomplish so much in one day. I can’t wait until everything is all set up. I am also looking forward to George moving-in on Saturday.

I also have Friday as a day off. I’m ecstatic about something else. This Friday I will see Susan Low again. I can’t wait to see her.

Jackie called while I was at my new pad (the Townhouse). We had a nice chat.
Jackie said, “You know, Mike…some guy I used to date has syphilis.”
“Oh my God…he told you that!”
“Yes, I knew he visited MUSTANG RANCH, a whorehouse, in Las Vegas but he claims that he got it from some other girl in Fremont.”
“He sounds like bad news.”
“I agree.”
I guess Jackie just needed to vent her latest troubles. I lent my ear as any friend would do.

I telephoned George and he seemed to be having a very good time at work. He shared some vivid ideas and thought of what he wants to do to me (sexually). It is driving me wild.

I saw the Miss Teenage USA pageant tonight. It’s funny how these teeny bopper beauty contestants look like they range from age twenty-five to twenty-eight.

Wednesday, August 31, 1983

Work was all right. Helen and I went to the Health Food store together. I bought some multi-vitamins and some Vitamin E per her suggestion.

I received a collect call from Bonni Jayne in New York today. I only heard about it because my Dad said he answered the phone but he didn’t accept the call.
“I would have accepted it if you were at home,” my Dad said.
“It’s okay…she’ll call back if it’s important.”

Michael Padazinksi called as well.
Dad said, “He said he’d call you back.”
I’m still waiting.

I went to the Service Center and Doug Siu gave me a new telephone. After I set it up I received the phone call from Michael Padazinski.
“Hi Mike.”
“Hey Michael…I’m so glad you called. I heard that you quit and I was wondering what had happened.”
“Yes, that’s why I’m calling. I wanted to let you know because you’re one of the few people I really liked there. I decided to quit the phone company to join the priesthood.”
“The priesthood?” I asked, feeling rather puzzled.
“Yes, it’s something I’ve often thought about and finally decided to take this path.”
I was supportive of him and felt an admiration for choosing what he really wanted to do. I envied his move after he spoke so positively about it.
I asked myself after I hung-up the phone, “Could I do that?”
I thought I ‘perhaps’ could join the seminary. It has crossed my mind more than once. Then I immediately shunned the idea.

Nici Maurino had phoned me earlier and asked, “Do you want to go to dinner?”
I was thinking of going but I ‘faced her’ and pulled a no-show. I should have gone because she called me later and I learned that her ex-black blood bartender boss tried to rape her. She was crying. I felt so bad. The only reason I didn’t meet her for dinner was because I had previously promised Tammy Duhr one last visit to the Jacuzzi at THE TIMBERS in San Leandro. It could only be done this one last time since I’m officially moved-out of there tomorrow (September 1, 1983).

It was nice to see Tammy again. We caught up on things. I do like her and I know she enjoys my company as well. She is just a bit to risqué for me at times. It’s not that Tammy is a ‘bad gal’. In fact, when I am alone with her I don’t feel that way at all.
Tammy, herself, said to me, “I feel sane when I’m with you, Michael.”
Those words meant so much to me. We kissed good night.
She said, “Michael, I want to see you again.”
We both simultaneously promised one another with the same words: “I promise to NEVER say NEVER again.”
We also made a pact to see that 007 Movie together: NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN (starring Sean Connery and Kim Basinger). I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

She has infected the place with optimism, the very germ we’ve needed.
-John Rolfe Gardiner
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE, a novel

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