One More Try

“You did not think this could go on forever?" She asked with surprise.   He tried to clear his head, to answer articulately, but he knew the answer would make no sense, for part of him had expected it to go on forever.”
"C’est vrai, mon cheri.  C’est las vie.” 
And it was OVER.
–Paul Huljich,
Betrayal of Love and Freedom, a novel

Diary notes late May 1988

I feel numb.   I finally received the answers I needed.   Kelly was still avoiding me, not answering my calls.   I knew the provider of the answers would be her best-friend, Christine Hicks.

While on my lunch hour at Pacific Bell in San Francisco I called Christine.   She answered sympathetically.

PHOTO:  Christine Hicks

“Hello?”
“Hi, It’s Michael.”
“Oh…Hi, how are you?”
“Well, I’m a little disturbed right now.  It seems like Kelly is just avoiding me.   I don’t understand why.  You must know the scoop.”
There was a slight hesitation.

“Oh Michael…I don’t feel comfortable talking to you about this.”
“Why not?”

“I just think Kelly should tell you.”
“Tell me what…Come on.   Just say it!”
“Well, do you remember that time Kelly stayed at your house last week?”
“Yes.”
“You left her alone there for a few hours while you went to your mom’s or something.”
“Yeah…and…”
“She found your journals…or some letters and read about you.”

I was silent.   I was irritated.  I felt invaded.   I knew what had happened.   She read about my relationship with Christopher or Chad or George.   I didn’t say a word for what seemed like minutes as my brain rushed with circulation with so many questions until I finally heard myself ask Cwissy, “What EXACTLY did she read?”

"I’m not sure…but it was about you and another guy.   I know that much.”
“Oh Man.   Why couldn’t she talk to me about this?   Doesn’t she know that I love her and none of that matters?”
“She can’t handle it, Michael.   She asked her sister and her parents, too, I think.   I know they told her to say far away from you.”
“Give me a break.   I guess I am evil…is that it?”
“I don’t know what else to say, Michael.”
“Okay, at least NOW…I know.”

I hung up the phone and had the shivers.   I took control of myself, realizing that I was still at work.   It was good that I was at work.   I had things to do in order to keep my mind away from all of it.  That is…until I left the office and drove over the Oakland-Bay Bridge and turned on the radio.   A song was playing that literally made me cry ‘out loud’.   It was by George Michael.   It’s called ONE MORE TRY.   I didn’t care if anyone saw me driving with tears running down my face.   The lyrics just hit me in all of the wrong places.   She let me go…

Once again…a relationship has failed for me.   Good-bye.

ONE MORE TRYlyrics

by George Michael

I've had enough of danger and people on the streets
I'm looking out for angels, just trying to find some peace
I think it's time that you let me know
So if you love me, say you love me
But if you don't just let me go
'Cause teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I don't want to learn to hold you
Touch you, think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy for an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
When you were just a stranger and I was at your feet
I didn't feel the danger, now I feel the heat
That look in your eyes, telling me no
So you think that you love me, know that you need me
I wrote the song, I know it's wrong, just let me go
And teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn
Oh the last one I had made me cry

So I don't want to learn to hold you
Touch you, think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy for an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
So when you say that you need me
That you'll never leave me
I know you're wrong, you're not that strong

Let me go
And teacher, there are things that I still have to learn
But the one thing I have is my pride
Oh so I don't want to learn to hold you
Touch you, think that you're mine
Because there ain't no joy for an uptown boy
Who just isn't willing to try
I'm so cold
Inside
Maybe just one more try...

Who cared anyway, he consoled himself.   He didn’t need her.  He didn’t need any of them.  He could make it on his own—he had proved that much.   He didn’t require anyone’s assistance in making a success of his life.

-Paul Huljich
Betrayal of Love and Freedom, a novel

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I Need Answers

He sat down and carefully, very softly, played a movement from the Purcell sonata.   The notes fell into the stillness like drops of golden light, so softly that along with them the song of the old fountain in the yard could be heard.   Gently, austerely, sparingly, sweetly, the lovely separate voices met and mingled; bravely and gaily they paced their tender rondo through the void of time and transitoriness, for a little while making the room and the night hour vast as the universe.   And when the friends bade each other good night, the guest’s face had changed and brightened, although his eyes had filled with tears. 
-From THE GLASS BEAD GAME,
a novel by HERMANN HESSE

Diary Notes/Photos May 22-28, 1988

May 22, 1988
It was almost Memorial Day and mom suggested we visit the Holy Sepulchre Cemetery where my dad is buried.  
I agreed.  “It’s a good idea to go now instead of on Memorial Day when everybody is crowding the place.   Let’s go!”

Tony, Helen and the girls had been over for a visit.   They left for home in Castro Valley and Ashley was dropped off by Sherri.   The three of us left for the cemetery outing.   I drove to Hayward and arrived quickly and easily.   I sometimes forget which direction to turn on Mission Boulevard but I happened to get it right this time.

Mom manicures the area around Dad’s gravesite so sensitively.  
“I can’t believe you’re cleaning up everything…even the gravesites next to him,” I remarked.
“I bet no one would do this like me.”
“That’s for sure.”  

I got Ashley to pose with the flowers.   She was running around like this was a playground.   It was all quite amusing.   In a way, it’s nice to visit the cemetery and celebrate a life versus always feeling such sadness about it.   If it weren’t for Dad (and Mom) I wouldn’t be HERE…after all.   Mom posed by Dad’s gravestone—even if she did find it silly that I’d take a picture.  She liked the photo after she looked at it.  She posed with Ashley.   I posed with Ashley and mom was agreeable about taking the picture.

We returned home to mom’s house in Alameda and John came by to pick-up Ashley.  He brought along his new prize (Holly) and I snapped a father/daughter photo.  

I lounged for a while and kept my mom company.   We watched a movie and then I headed home, realizing I had another few days of work ahead of me until my grand Birthday weekend.

May 26, 1988,
My 29^th Birthday…

I received a postcard from MALAGA, SPAIN.   It was from Paloma, of course.   She also sent me another fabulous T-shirt.  On the back of the postcard she wrote: 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Michael!
I’m so sorry I’m doing this so late.   Will you ever forgive me?   I thought about you and my stepmother that day but I just haven’t had time to write to any of you.   Sorry about the card, too.   Love…

She included a separated note:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  Just a few words, I want this card to reach you on time.   I just want you to know that I will be thinking about you all day on the 26^th and that I really wish I could be with you.   I hope this T-shirt fits you and that you like it.   I thought it would look nice with your hair color.

Alex and Jonathan wish you a Happy Birthday, too…
Miss You, Love, Paloma—

Another Birthday card I received was from my maternal Grandmother, Mary Genevieve Leyba-Lucero.    I love how she finds these cards that are more appropriate for a ‘little boy’.   I suppose she will always see me that way.   I love it.   The imprint inside of the card read:

A grandson who’s as nice as you and dear as he can be brings so much pride and happiness to all the family.  That’s why this special message brings a lot of love to you and wishes for the very best in everything you do.   HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

She wrote:

Dear Grandson Michael,
Thanks for the pretty scarf you sent.   I have the collection you have sent me.   Very pretty scarves…I love you.   Grandma

It’s always nice to feel the LOVE on your Birthday. 

I was quite impressed by another admirer who sent me ‘3’ Birthday Cards.   No, it wasn’t Kelly.   It was Jeff ‘Sombat’ Sukjit in Honolulu.   Remember him?   I photographed him here back in July 1987 at his Hawaii apartment:   

Card #1 was amusing with an obese black woman pictured and the imprint inside read:   WEATHER IS HERE, WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL.  
Jeff wrote in his own personal words:

Hi Big ‘M’,

Happy B-Day.   Hope you have a great one.   This one may be getting to you late but I wanted you to have it.   Hope you like it and here are some pictures from the party.   Stephen got this card and said to send it to you.   I think it’s stupid but that’s my thinking.

Oh well…see you soon on the big bang…and THANKS for the B-Day card that you sent me.

Miss You, Jeff

Card #2 depicted a teddy bear on a hammock in a tropical setting and the imprint inside read:

BIRTHDAYS ARE SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO SLOWLY EASE IN TO!

Jeff wrote:

Didn’t know what card to give you…You deserve both!  Have a nice B-Day and have FUN, O.K.?   See Ya Soon.

…Just a reminder of sunshine.   Get here for some Hawaii sun.  Happy Happy B-Day to you.

Thinking 28…Miss You, Jeff

Card #3 depicted a bunch of teddy bears in a vase of daisies and the imprint inside read:

FRIENDSHIP LIKE OURS GROWS BETTER EVERYDAY!

Jeff wrote:

ALOHA!
Cute card, yea?   I think I went BEAR crazy on you but it was cute.   So…here are some pictures of the view and a little exercise bear to go along with it!
Miss You…Jeff

Fast-Forward JANUARY 2014… 
Sadly, I learned from our mutual friend (Karla Fennimore) that Jeff is now deceased.   Jeff was born May 17, 1964 and died at the age of 28 on February 16, 1993 of AIDS related causes.  He was also known as Jeff Sukjit and Jeff Berger.   Karla had said that Jeff had told friends that he had a blood transfusion at a younger age; however, whatever the circumstances it is a very sad loss for many.   Here is a photo of Jeff while he worked at THE WAVE in Waikiki in late 1980’s that I found on a FaceBook Page for 'Past Employees of the WAVE Waikiki 1980-2006':

May 28, 1988

It was Memorial Day weekend and ‘Jim from the Gym’ and I decided to escape the Bay Area for the Old Town area of Sacramento.   I was somewhat familiar, having gone to Sacramento State.   My former coworker, Judy Geniella, met us for a drink and I snapped a photo of Jim and Judy:

Jim and I had a blast.   He needed some space from Christine.   I was at a rock and a hard place with Kelly.   There were so many unanswered questions.  I was still head-over-heels over Kelly but I wasn’t seeing her as much as I would’ve liked.  

And so…Jim and I decided to check out the scene.    Something had happened.   I wasn’t quite sure…but I knew I would find out soon.   For now, I met a replacement gal for the night.   She was blond and I knew Paloma would resent that for she always thought I had liked her blond friend, Monica, when we first met.   I always told Paloma, “NO, it was your green eyes that captured me!”

Alas, now I find a blond tonight.   I certainly will not tell Paloma about this.   That’s for sure.   Anyhow, she lives in Sacramento and I think our distance from each other will not allow us to amount to anything.   I need answers about Kelly.   Why isn’t she returning my calls?    It’s frustrating.    What has Kelly in such a spellbound mood?

“Did it ever occur to you that MOOD spelled backward is DOOM?”
-Elizabeth Savage
THE LAST NIGHT AT THE RITZ

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Come And Go As You Wish

“You can’t know what’s going to happen before it happens.”
“Yes, I can,” he said.  “If I’m any good I can.”
-Garth Stein
THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN,
a novel

Diary Notes/Photos  May 8-13, 1988

May 8, 1988

It is Ashley’s 4^th Birthday today.   Sherri organized a party at her house on Cook Lane.   I arrived with mom with enough presents for Ashley to feel content.   Mom brought her share of gifts, too.   Ashley was dressed in a cute ‘little girly’ dress with her hair all curled.

It was another festive family time.   Ashley was gathered around all of her gift-wrapped presents.   My brother, Tony, and sister-in-law, Helen, arrived with Lauren and Leigh.  

It was cute with the two new babies around (Holly and Leigh).  They were both so good.   We just put them on the couch and they seemed to amuse themselves. 

Lauren was amused and happy with her very own Cabbage Patch doll.  

I kept snapping more family photos.  

There were a couple of celebrations today.   It was also MOTHER’s Day.   I took a photo of mom with my brother, John.

After Ashley’s birthday festivities I accompanied mom to her house.   Tony, Helen and the girls followed suit.   Ashley was too entertained with all of her gifts that she wanted to stay home and play with her latest toys. 

I took a photo of Tony with Mom also.   Tony was munching on a chocolate croissant with milk.   He’s always eating something but he always seems to remain very fit.  

Mom was happy.   She had her new living room furniture delivered recently and I took a photo of her on her favorite chair.

Earlier this morning I wrote out a Mother’s Day card.   I found a good card at WALGREENS with a picture of three chimpanzees.

I wrote on the card:

Dear Mom, 
Happy Mother’s Day.   If it’s not one holiday it’s another.   At least today is Ashley’s 4^th Birthday and we can kill two birds with one stone.  

I thought you’d get a kick out of this chimpanzee card.   It reminded me of you and dad and me when we used to ‘monkey around’ together at 356 Magnolia Drive, Mexicali Rose Restaurant or ‘wherever’.   I thought I’d be different instead of sending the usual “flowery” Mother’s Day card.   Besides, these are more fun.   Don’t you agree?

I LOVE YOU and mushy-mushy, kissy-kissy and all of that.   I have to get all of that stuff out of the way, too.   It’s no trouble for you.   You really are my best-friend and I do LOVE YOU.   I’m glad you’re alone in your house now because I can bug you whenever I want without interrupting another family (referring to the fact that Tony, Helen and kids as they were living with her until their new house was ready). 

Your house is looking so beautiful, too.   I am envious.  Maybe we can think about a new black carpet and new tile in my house now.   I know I better wait until I get into Telephone Sales and/or become a psychologist when I can afford it.

Once again, I love you because you’re THE BEST.   How did I end up with such a beautiful MOM?   That’s for being there all of the time!   Don’t forget…Las Vegas is set for November 1988.

Love, Michael

The song of the week was by Gloria Estefan called ANYTHING FOR YOU. 

A few days later I received correspondence from Honolulu.   It was a surprise postcard postmarked May 13, 1988 from Bill Matson.    Does he think about me?   I had forgotten all about him.    I had written him about my NOT going to Mexico as previously planned and how my girlfriend, Kelly, pulled a week long escape from me to San Diego to visit her brother.   I didn’t really think he’d write back.   I was happy that he did.

Bill’s postcard did make me laugh.   The card depicted a guy sleeping with a hand pouring eye-drops onto his eyelids   The copy read:

…AND FINALLY ONE NIGHT, IN A LOVER’S RAGE, TERRY QUIETLY GLUED MIKE’S EYES SHUT WITH SEVERAL DROPS OF SUPER GLUE.  HER TASK COMPLETED, SHE CREPT TO THE DOOR—PAUSED FOR A MOMENT—THEN YELLED, “FIRE”

Bill wrote:  Well, when it rains it pours.  No Kelly and no Mexico in the same week—Ouch.   
You’re always welcome to come to Hawaii.   The apartment is small (studio) but you’ll have your own sofa bed (beats the floor) and set of keys—come and go as you wish.   I’m here until June 1^st, then back to California (Elk).   I also understand that you probably want to take off and spend time alone.   But…Doug did cut his hair!  Ha—Take Care, Bill.

I was happy to know that I had the option to just up and go to Hawaii.   I had to work though.   It wasn’t as easy as all of that.   It made me want to go to Hawaii again though.  I love that tropical feeling.   I also liked that feeling of knowing that 'Kelly and I' were together.   We talked often and kept looking forward to the next time we'd see one another.   One of our many songs was playing:  DANCE AWAY by Roxy Music  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur2_y9abMWk

“You have to work for what you want in this LIFE.”   The words sounded trite and old-fashioned , yet he knew instinctively that they were true.   “The mark of a man is not what he has, but what he is, inside.” 

-Paul Huljich, BETRAYAL of Love and Freedom, a novel

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Do You LOVE Her?

"Finding Love makes it worth the pain of searching for it."
-Terry O’Quinn in character as ‘Gavin Doran’
in the 2012 TV series “666 Park Avenue”

Diary/Photo Note from April 28-May 6, 1988

The Depeche Mode “Music for the Masses Tour” on April 28, 1988 was a memorable event.   I recall arriving early and sitting outside of the stadium as we ‘people watched’ the alternative music fanatics.   I loved that OMD (Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark) were playing with Depeche Mode.   This was a 1987/1988 concert tour by in support of the English band's sixth studio album (Music for the Masses) which was released in September 1987.    Jim from the Gym, Christine Hicks, Kelly and I were all so ‘INTO’ this music.  This was the second time the band had traveled behind the Iron Curtain.

The tour began in October 1987 with a European leg, starting in Madrid, SPAIN, finishing mid-November in Paris, France.  In early December 1987, a North American run commenced in San Francisco and culminated three weeks later in New York City.  In January 1988, the group played an eleven-date U.K. tour, which was followed by further dates in Europe beginning in Hamburg, West Germany in early February. The leg wrapped up in Vienna, Austria in late March.

In April 1988, the group played four dates in Japan. This was followed later in the month by the start of a second North American leg, which began in Mountain View, California on April 28, 1988.  
The entire tour concluded mid-June with a concert at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.   The Rose Bowl show was recorded and later released as a live album and video release entitled 101, issued in March 1989. The video included footage documenting the second North American leg of the tour and was re-released on DVD in 2003.

A few days after the concert I was blessed by a surprise visit from Christine and Kelly.    They came to my pad and I could tell they wanted to re-live the concert festivities.   We played music and I set my Polaroid for a group photo.  They make me laugh.   We have such a good time.   Only ‘Jim from the Gym’ was missing.  The four of us were too "Alternative Rockin' 80's Hip" for words. 

On the correspondence front I received another letter from Paloma, dated May 6, 1988.    Paloma wrote:

Agde, France
Dear Michael,
I just got your card and your letter.   Thank you.

I could swear under torture that your Nastassja Kinski poster was in your living room.   That’s really weird.   I guess we’re just getting old.   Enjoy this birthday coming up.   That’s your last one starting with a ‘2’.   Don’t I make you feel good?   Or maybe that’s just because you were my only interest when I was in your house.

Jonathan’s name is JONATHAN and not JONATHON, so please pay attention.   This is the last warning before you get in trouble!

I really hope my downstairs neighbor wont’ keep you busy for a few days.   I don’t think I would love that!

I haven’t seen FATAL ATTRACTION with Glenn Close because maybe you don’t know but this movie is a remake of a movie that made Clint Eastwood (he played in it, too).   I loved it and nobody even mentioned it over here.   Did you know?   Have you seen the first one?

Thank you, Michael.   I’ve known DEPECHE MODE for years and OMD, too.   I just remind you that I don’t live in the Sahara!  Just kidding!

Funny the name they gave to that restaurant (PALOMA).  
Maybe that’s just an old admirer of mine.   You never know.   And don’t tell me “You’re dreaming!”   What do you mean, “Do I believe it?”   Of course, I do.   I am just now waiting for some Paloma statue…or something simple like that.

Talking about marriage…   Well, if you want my opinion I think you should think about it.   You haven’t known her (KELLY) for that long.   Why don’t you try to live with her first?   That’s the best way to find out if it’s going to work.

Also, do you really like her OR do you LOVE her?   That’s different.   Anyway, you know how I feel about marriage.   I think that it is no big deal.   It’s just a piece of paper…after all.   So…if you feel like doing it just give it a try and ask her.

I’ve done worse.   It’s just been two years since I met Alexandre (in March) and Jonathan is going to be one year old in June.   If you think how long it took me to make him that means I didn’t think about it for very long.   And…things are working pretty well.   Believe it or not, it is really rare when I even notice a gorgeous guy in the street.   I am not interested.

But tell me…Why do you want to marry so fast?   Why don’t you live with her (KELLY)? 

By the way, once more…CONGRATULATIONS for your new niece (HOLLY).   You’re just like Uncle Donald now.   That’s great.   Pretty soon you’ll be able to go out with them (that was a mean joke!).

Well Michael…I’ll write again for your Birthday.   Hope to read you soon.  
Love, Paloma

This is really an ugly letter.   Sorry about it.  I wrote it really fast.   Here are two pictures of Jonathan so you can see what he looks like now.  One with his father so you can see that all his beauty comes from his mother!   Alexandre won’t read this letter! 

'Maybe we were fated never to do anything, because knowing it would be so perfect was too much to bear. Maybe the thing to do was to wait for years, until we were both grown up and completely experienced and married, and then meet each other by chance. It was too dreamy to imagine.' 
-Darcy O’Brien, A WAY OF LIFE, LIKE ANY OTHER

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