One More Try

“You did not think this could go on forever?" She asked with surprise.   He tried to clear his head, to answer articulately, but he knew the answer would make no sense, for part of him had expected it to go on forever.”
"C’est vrai, mon cheri.  C’est las vie.” 
And it was OVER.
–Paul Huljich,
Betrayal of Love and Freedom, a novel

Diary notes late May 1988

I feel numb.   I finally received the answers I needed.   Kelly was still avoiding me, not answering my calls.   I knew the provider of the answers would be her best-friend, Christine Hicks.

While on my lunch hour at Pacific Bell in San Francisco I called Christine.   She answered sympathetically.

PHOTO:  Christine Hicks

“Hello?”
“Hi, It’s Michael.”
“Oh…Hi, how are you?”
“Well, I’m a little disturbed right now.  It seems like Kelly is just avoiding me.   I don’t understand why.  You must know the scoop.”
There was a slight hesitation.

“Oh Michael…I don’t feel comfortable talking to you about this.”
“Why not?”

“I just think Kelly should tell you.”
“Tell me what…Come on.   Just say it!”
“Well, do you remember that time Kelly stayed at your house last week?”
“Yes.”
“You left her alone there for a few hours while you went to your mom’s or something.”
“Yeah…and…”
“She found your journals…or some letters and read about you.”

I was silent.   I was irritated.  I felt invaded.   I knew what had happened.   She read about my relationship with Christopher or Chad or George.   I didn’t say a word for what seemed like minutes as my brain rushed with circulation with so many questions until I finally heard myself ask Cwissy, “What EXACTLY did she read?”

"I’m not sure…but it was about you and another guy.   I know that much.”
“Oh Man.   Why couldn’t she talk to me about this?   Doesn’t she know that I love her and none of that matters?”
“She can’t handle it, Michael.   She asked her sister and her parents, too, I think.   I know they told her to say far away from you.”
“Give me a break.   I guess I am evil…is that it?”
“I don’t know what else to say, Michael.”
“Okay, at least NOW…I know.”

I hung up the phone and had the shivers.   I took control of myself, realizing that I was still at work.   It was good that I was at work.   I had things to do in order to keep my mind away from all of it.  That is…until I left the office and drove over the Oakland-Bay Bridge and turned on the radio.   A song was playing that literally made me cry ‘out loud’.   It was by George Michael.   It’s called ONE MORE TRY.   I didn’t care if anyone saw me driving with tears running down my face.   The lyrics just hit me in all of the wrong places.   She let me go…

Once again…a relationship has failed for me.   Good-bye.

ONE MORE TRYlyrics

by George Michael

I've had enough of danger and people on the streets
I'm looking out for angels, just trying to find some peace
I think it's time that you let me know
So if you love me, say you love me
But if you don't just let me go
'Cause teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I don't want to learn to hold you
Touch you, think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy for an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
When you were just a stranger and I was at your feet
I didn't feel the danger, now I feel the heat
That look in your eyes, telling me no
So you think that you love me, know that you need me
I wrote the song, I know it's wrong, just let me go
And teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn
Oh the last one I had made me cry

So I don't want to learn to hold you
Touch you, think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy for an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
So when you say that you need me
That you'll never leave me
I know you're wrong, you're not that strong

Let me go
And teacher, there are things that I still have to learn
But the one thing I have is my pride
Oh so I don't want to learn to hold you
Touch you, think that you're mine
Because there ain't no joy for an uptown boy
Who just isn't willing to try
I'm so cold
Inside
Maybe just one more try...

Who cared anyway, he consoled himself.   He didn’t need her.  He didn’t need any of them.  He could make it on his own—he had proved that much.   He didn’t require anyone’s assistance in making a success of his life.

-Paul Huljich
Betrayal of Love and Freedom, a novel