The Beginnings – Part 26: HOW LUCKY I AM

In several essays that Hermann Hesse wrote around 1920—most notably Hesse argued that men must seek a new morality that, transcending the conventional dichotomy of good and evil, will embrace all extremes of life in one unified vision.  A later essay, A BIT OF THEOLOGY (1932), outlines the three-stage progression toward this goal.
1. The child, he says, is born into a state of unity with all being.
2. It is only when the child is taught about good and evil that he advances to a second level of individuation characterized by despair and alienation.
3. To attain a third level of awareness where man is once again capable of accepting all being one must be ‘immortal’. Most men are condemned to live on the second level, sustained only by a sense of humor.
-Theodore Ziolkowski
The Foreword in the book THE GLASS BEAD GAME by Hermann Hesse

The Beginnings – Part 26: HOW LUCKY I AM

May 11, 1983

Today was somewhat of a burden. It is because I spoke to my dimwit supervisor, Otha, about the ODBE Program which accelerates one into management. He wants to submit some management attributes on me with my application. I’m not so thrilled about the idea because he has to wait until October 1983 to summarize ideas of my managerial attributes. Doesn’t he recognize any NOW? What a jerk!
I simply said, “Well, let me check with Dot Salas, that Advertising Manager, to see what she might suggest.”
I really don’t feel like being in a locked-in phase with a Research and Development Managerial position in the Business Office. He kind of bothered me because I could tell that he was trying to discourage me from submitting an application on me now for the ODBE Program. What the hell…I’ll find my way. I know I will. I want to. If only I could travel through time…the past or the future.

After work I swallowed up three tacos and my brother, Tony, ate four.

I left the house for MACY’s to apply my twenty dollar gift certificate to my bill and deposit my $704 ATT stock proceeds check from EF HUTTON into my Great Western Savings Account.

I also stopped over at the MACY’s Clearance Center and bought four shirts for a total of only $31.95. It was my way of giving me four warm-fuzzies. I was feeling distraught about the whole ODBE Management Program incident. One thing it did make me realize is that my feelings are ridiculous. I thought this because I saw a man who was crying in the middle of the street after he had a car accident. He wasn’t hurt but his truck was all smashed up. I could see and feel the pressure he had as tears were pouring down his face. A police officer was standing over him, writing a report. How lucky I am. When I think about the extent of other people’s problems I know I am lucky. I am simply happy to be alive and able to stand tall on my own in various ways (financially, socially and confidently).

The closet is still with us, which is why so many people, gay and straight, could respond to the 2005 movie of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Our poisonous fear of what other people think of us remains strong.
-Christopher Bram
EMINENT OUTLAWS