The Beginnings - Part 90: FIDDLED WITH MY NIPPLE

Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate difficult lives.
-Annie Proulx
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Twenty-five years ago: Letter from Paloma dated October 1, 1987

AGDE, France
1st October, 1987

Dear Michael,
I really don’t know what to tell you. I am so sorry for you. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you this just to make you feel better. I really mean it. I am so sad. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I remember your dad very well. We talked in Spanish. It’s hard to tell you in a letter all that I feel. I wish I could have been with you. I think I would have tried to help you but I couldn’t have done anything. I just read your letter again. I am so sorry, Michael. I won’t talk about your dad anymore. I just hope your mom, you and your brothers are OK. It hurts me to think of the way you must feel.

Thank you for your pictures. You look gorgeous. I like your hair.

I’m very busy these days. We’re moving to our new apartment and I’ve been painting all of the furniture that goes in our room in black. I hope you’ll see it someday.

Tell me about your acting classes. I know I can’t act. When I was working at CLUB MED I had to…but I hated it. I was too scared. I really hope it works for you.

I’ll write a longer letter soon. I just wanted to answer you fast.

I wanted to tell you I’ll always be your friend. I feel something very special for you. I really wish I could make you feel better. Hope to read you soon…
Love,
Paloma

The Beginnings – Part 90:   FIDDLED WITH MY NIPPLE

September 20, 1983
At 6:30AM the phone rang again this morning. It wasn’t Nici. This time it was George!
George was anxious when he said, “I tried to call you last night but the line was busy.”
“Oh…I was on the phone with Nici, talking about her rape incident.”
I didn’t bother to tell him that we also talked about the possibility of our having a baby together and other nit-picky gossip sorts of things.
George said adoringly, “I miss you.”
It made me miss him, too; however, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was feeling guilty over something. Should I still feel suspicious? We talked until 7AM.

Work was okay. There’s a dude I always see who leaves the BART station when I arrive who is dressed in a sharp-looking suit. I get the feeling he has a physical attraction for me. He’s not too bad on the eyes either. He has a trimmed beard, moustache and a good build. He always looks at me in a kind of a funny way. He is definitely questionable.  I try to imagine him without the beard and moustache.

I found out some of the office supervisors are moving to other offices today. Liz Kennedy received a lateral transfer to the BSC (Business Service Center).

I am enjoying my recent walks to the BART station with Salima after work. I love her. She makes me think about things that I normally wouldn’t dwell on.

Susan Espino and I talked. She’s the single mother with baby, Michelle. We may go to see the Nastassja Kinski movie, EXPOSED, together if Susan Low doesn’t come through next week (Tuesday).

That girl named Toby Davis didn’t come to see the townhouse tonight. What a flake. She won’t be coming tomorrow night either.
Toby said, “It’s just that I might have another roommate move-in with me in my current apartment. I may not need to move after all.”
Oh well…such is life. Things can change on a dime.

I rode my bike to see Suzy and Renee Miller. We talked and caught up on our latest happenings. I ate a bit of Suzy’s steak and drank some Wyler’s Wild Cherry drink. It quenched my thirst. I didn’t stay very long.
“Why don’t you come over tonight or tomorrow night?” I asked Suzy.
“Maybe…I’ll call you.”
“Are you going to GREAT AMERICA on Saturday? It’s Pacific Telephone night…you know!”
“I don’t think so. I haven’t really decided.”

I continued my bike ride, feeling the autumn breeze. I had some curious eye contact with some blond fellow named Steve. It was an unbelievable experience. He was in his car and he followed me while I was riding my bike all the way to my pad! It was funny. It made my heart beat faster. It was a kind of an exciting rush.

When he parked on Holly Street he rolled down his window and asked, “Do you know what time it is?”

I thought that was an odd way to break the ice. I told him the approximate time.
Then he asked, “Can I have a drink of water.”
I foolishly allowed him into my place and gave him a glass of water. It was all quite awkward. I didn’t make a move but I almost felt as though he wanted me to do something. Luckily, he had to leave.
Steve said, “Well, I have to go to pick up my roommate at MEL’S BOWL.”
I said, “Okay.”
I was wearing a ribbed tank top and he suddenly fiddled with my nipple for a quick second. I guess because my nipple was hard. It was a chilly autumn evening after all. I can only guess it looked good to him under my new, yellow Calvin Klein tank top. I actually bought the top today during my lunchtime with Helen.   I allowed him to 'cop the feel' but that was the extent of it.

I learned that Steve is from Castro Valley. He seems nice but she really isn’t my type. I ended up giving him my telephone number. I figured it was a harmless action. It didn’t mean a thing. I already knew this from my ‘Susan Low’ experience.

I now come to think of Susan Low. Her telephone number is 376-1234 and I haven’t seen her in a while. I finally made the phone call to her.
“Hello.”
“Hi Susan. It’s Michael.”
“Oh…I’m so glad to hear from you.”
“Yeah, I hadn’t heard from you and I know we talked about going to see that Nastassja Kinski movie.”
“That’s right. I’ve had the flu and I’ve been really busy with meetings with managers and producers regarding my music.”
“Oh…that must be good.”
“Yes, it is.”
She didn’t really get into any downright details. She probably didn’t want to make mountains out of mole hills. It was a good phone call. I somehow felt better, knowing that she had the flu. Who knows what will happen next?

I telephoned Helen also.
“Hi Helen…I was just wondering if you were the one who just called.”
“No, it wasn’t me.”
“Oh…well, I was talking to Susan Low. She said she had the flu and that’s why she hadn’t called me. I still made a tentative date with Susan Espino to see that EXPOSED movie next Tuesday though.”
“That’s good…no point in sitting at home.”
I like having Helen as my confidante. She gives good advice. I still wonder who may attend those bicycle-themed movies that I want to see.

I phoned Nici and we discussed our activities of the day. She complained about her own telephone bill and the cleaning of her apartment.

George will be calling me tonight. I must tell him about tonight; however how he will react to the delightful phone call with Susan Low and Steve’s mysterious following of me is beyond me. Perhaps some things are better off left unsaid.

I had learned the consequences of telling the truth were as dire as those of lying.
-Janet Frame, an Autobiography