Sometimes I worried that I wasn't a complete person, that I couldn't label myself.
-Paul Lisicky
THE LAWNBOY
The Beginnings – Part 129: HARD-TO-GET
November 9, 1983
It happened at precisely seven-thirty in the morning. Paloma called me. She ‘faced me’ once again. She was cancelling out on our date!
Paloma said, “Mrs. Walsh, the lady I live with, asked if I would take care of the little girl because she wouldn’t be home.”
“I understand,” I said, feeling very disappointed.
What else could I do but be the understanding chap that I am? I woke up thinking I would finally see her. She made a point of extending the date for Thursday though. I agreed to the new forthcoming date. I honestly don’t believe she is pulling any strings. I know she’s not using me. She seems too legitimate to me. I drove off to work.
It was a sales day of over three-hundred dollars in revenue. I shared lunch with Salima. I treated her at the POT BELLI DELI. I shared the office gossip with Salima about the third party call that was billed to the office from my telephone. She took it lightly and confidentially.
I telephoned Rick Clark during my lunch break.
“Hey, I just got out of the shower and was planning on going to see that new RUMBLE FISH movie with my mom.”
“Oh great, well enjoy it. Let me know how you like it.”
“That’s funny you called because I was going to call you and pretend to buy a phone.”
I laughed and asked him, “Why didn’t you?”
“Well, I thought I’d wait and play hard-to-get.”
I laughed again as I pictured him drying himself off from his shower. Little does he know that I tend to play the same game: hard-to-get.
Rick said, “I’ll try and call you form work tonight.”
It’s tonight and so far ‘no phone call’. Rick mentioned that his folks were going to L.A. this weekend and how it would be nice for me to come by for dinner. I guess I will have to wait and see if he will call me. I won’t be calling him again until I get some mutual positive feedback.
At 7:45PM I did receive a call from Jim in Martinez. He shared the latest events while at skating last night.
I confessed, “I was there…but I was there early in the night and left.”
He didn’t seem too thrilled to hear about Rick Clark, Paloma or Tammy.
I said, “It was no big deal. I have a harmless date with Tammy on Friday and possibly Paloma on Saturday.”
Jim said solemnly, “Well, if you should get free…give me a call.”
“Okay, I will.”
“Okay, I will.”
It was hard for me to really lead him on in any positive way. I’m just not attracted to him as I thought I was originally.
I worked out a little tonight. My upper torso is beginning to feel a bit tight. It’s a good feeling. There is always room for bodily improvement. I do want my body form to improve. Maybe Rick and I will become closer friends, too. I can use that SOLO FLEX that he speaks so highly about.
I am coming to another end of my exploratory diary book number two. I wonder what story lines book three and four will unfold. It’s going to be exited to read back on these many words someday.
I am watching DYNASTY now. It was funny as I ponder the events of last Sunday. Jim and I had wandered into some night club in San Francisco where it as all-male. There were video screens showing singing groups in synchronicity with DYNASTY scenes. I especially recall the part where Alexis and Krystal had a downright fight with pillow feathers blowing all over the place. The Penthouse apartment memorabilia was flying all over the place. It was kind of amusing to see this with the gay dance music going.
I telephoned Paloma during a love scene between Fallon and Jeff (John James) on DYNASTY.
Paloma said happily, “I received the CAT EYES postcard and the other scenic card of San Francisco today. Thank you!”
“Oh good…I was wondering.”
“It’s funny about the cat card because my cat was sick. It was at the vet and I thought the cat was pregnant. Oh…a friend is over here now, so I will call you back later tonight.”
I said, “Oh, okay.”
I said, “Oh, okay.”
I wondered to myself, “What friend?”
Helen Wong called me to provide directions to BOBBY McGEE’s in San Ramon for our planned outing tomorrow night.
I said, “Well, I’m expecting Paloma to call and we may go there together.”
Of course, I was dreading the drive down to San Ramon. I don’t know the area well and I’m not sure where I will be going. Who knows? Paloma and I may just choose to spend an intimate and romantic (hopefully) evening alone.
I just wonder where all of these adventures with all of these people will end. I want to see more of Paloma. Will Rick Clark get in the way of things? I want to see him more, too. They’re both my ideal choices at this point. While I enjoy my times with Tammy I find her to be too uncertain. George seems to be a closed case. Jim will be a good friend because that’s all I really want in relation to him right now. Only time will tell. You know…that line (Only time will tell) seems to recur throughout my writing entries. Perhaps that will make for a good title when I collect my ideas and begin a novel format: ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
I wonder also about Maria de Lourdes, my pen pal in Mexico. Will that come to a close? I need someone now and that someone seems to be Paloma. All I have to do is get her to kick her gross smoking habit. As for Nici…who knows? Helen? Would I have her baby? It’s not likely at this point in my life. I simply want happiness. I want to live each day as if it were my last. Only time will show and tell my rewarding experiences. To be a happy man and please myself is without trying to impress or live up to others’ expectations. The goal is to live for number one. Number one is ‘me’.
In the 1920s and the 1930s, especially, such men were also often called pansies, and the names of other flowers such as daisy and buttercup were applied so commonly to gay men that they were sometimes simply called “horticultural lads”. Cary Grant’s famous line in the 1938 film BRINGING UP BABY played on several of these meanings as he leapt into the air, flounced his arms, and shrieked, “I just went gay all of a sudden,” not because he had fallen in love with a man, but because he was asked why he had put on a woman’s nightgown.
-George Chauncey
GAY NEW YORK
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